Got a question (or an answer)? Ask The Mayor!

Q: Mayor, I was arrested for picking up a hooker on the street, what do I do?

A: Let me first say that you are a jack ass. Now that’s out of the way I would advise you to seek legal council and seek therapy so you can understand why you did this and hopefully not repeat this dangerous and embarrassing act.

Q: Is it true that cops have to tell me they are a cop if I ask them?

A: No. They can tell you anything they want. Do you think an undercover officer embedded in the mob would answer that question truthfully if asked?

Q: What’s the deal with all the local hotels getting rid of adult movies on their pay per view TV?

A: Ahhhhhh… that cock sucker Phil Burress and his wacko group CCV have been on the warpath with local hotels and are winning the war. The people in Cincinnati let them do it without a battle so you all deserve exactly what you are getting. They have already won if you ask me. You can visit their web site, send them hate mail or join them if you want by clicking here. Just make sure to tell’ em who sent you.

Q: It’s been a while since you did an update, what gives?

A: I have bills to pay just like the next guy and this site doesn’t pay them. I opened an army of adult pay sites and that has been taking all my time. Gotta keep the lights on ya know.

Q: Dear Mr. Mayor, it burns when I urinate. I may have an STD. Where can I go to get tested?

A: Not knowing exactly what you have done, I would say you may or may not have an STD or could simply have a urinary tract infection. If there is puss involved you have been burned and must get tested and treated ASAP. No puss means that you still may of been burned so go check it out. Chlamydia and Gonorrhea seem to go hand and hand and they will treat you for both in most cases with Zithromax and Penicillin, Cipro or Tequin. Many people have one or both of these STDs and never show a single symptom and pass it along without even knowing. Gonorrhea can live in your urethra, rectum, throat or even in your eyes while Chlamydia only infects your urethra. Call your family doctor to get tested or call the Cincinnati Health Department on Martin Luther King BLVD for cheap and anonymous testing. Ladies can call Planned Parenthood.

Q: What are watersports?

A: Watersports are pee play. You pee on her / him, they pee on you… You jack off in it, drink it, whatever. Some people really dig this. It does feel VERY good to have a girl piss on your dick right as your about to cum from jacking off. You will be in for a treat, as the warm pee sets you off. But unless your really into it, don’t put it in your mouth. NASTY! Yes, I speak from experience and it was awful. Trisha Uptown peed in my mouth for a shoot, made me gargle it and then spit on my face and called me “piss boy”. Good times huh? Well, I think I have said a little too much on this one… Time to go. *blushing*

Q: I want to cum on my girlfriends face but she doesn’t like it. How can I talk her into it?

A: First let me ask, would you enjoy her pissing on your face? And would you dare to lay on your back, legs in air and jack off on your own face? If the answer is no, then drop it. Piss, cum, it’s all the same… Warm liquid shooting out of your dick onto her face. Many ladies hate this and find it very degrading. I however find it fun ONLY if the lady is into it, as some (few) are cum hungry whores and love a good load on their face. If “yes” is your answer, then do it and see how she reacts when you show her that you are willing to take one for the team if she is. Once she does it, and sees that it’s not too bad (right), you should be good to go. Just don’t shoot it in her eyes, tell her to close them and keep them closed during the blast. She could get an eye infection from your jizz.

Q: Mayor, is it true that you can get STD’s from oral sex? I like for ladies (escorts) to suck me off with no condom and one just told me that she could catch something from me that way. What’s up with that?

A: Yes. Many people do not know this but Gonorrhea and Herpes will bite your ass from oral sex, giving or receiving. There are questions about HIV transmitted this way but recent research in France has found that they don’t think it is. So the bottom line… YES, oral sex is also a health risk. Many escorts will do “bareback blow jobs” but request a condom for sex. Go figure. Education is the key people.

Q: Dear Mr. Mayor, this is a two part question for you and I doubt if you can help me but I figured it was worth a shot. 1) How can I blow big loads like Peter North? 2) Is it possible to make my cum taste better?

A: Well I guess this will be a three part answer. 1) Please don’t insult my intelligence by assuming that I do not know the answer to your question. If it pertains to sex and/or the industry of, think of me as Oz. Though I am the little man behind the machine, I will have an answer for you. It may not be what you want t hear, but I will always have an answer. 2) Peter North is a freak. I have heard all kinds of things about him including that he has an extra gland (from birth) that makes more sperm. Who knows. But I do know that if you “load the gun” before you shoot it, you will have much larger loads. What I mean by that is bring yourself close to cumming a few times (really close but don’t shoot) and get it good and backed up and ready to pop… And when you just can’t stand it anymore, let it rip. You will be impressed at the amount of semen that will exit your little submarine. 3) I don’t now why you want to taste your own cum but if you must… Eat lots of Kiwi and Pineapple. But not too much pineapple because it has a lot of acid in it which will give you an upset tummy. Eat it everyday as part of your diet and not only will you be getting great vitamins such as biotin, B12 and vitamin E… But you will also have a sweeter and more pleasant tasting cum. The Great Oz has spoken… *thunder*

Q: Do you have any tips for first time anal sex?

A: Funny you should ask that… I was in a discussion just last night about this very thing. Though a female who loves it in the ass would be a better candidate to ask, I will give it my best. Before I even start I will say that to do a proper ass fucking you will need her (or his) total trust. This is very scary for many due to the fact that some other dumb ass tried to insert his entire package with one thrust at one time or another and she is left with the mental scar of that pain and discomfort.

You are going to need lots of lube. Buy a lube called “WET”, it seems to last the longest and does not dry up like KY Jelly does. Your going to have to be well into the act and having done lots of foreplay to really get her stimulated. Once she is worked up, start slow by SLOWLY inserting the tip of your FINGER while you have her doggie style or while you are going down on her. Key word is “SLOWLY”… And I do mean just the tip. Poke it in a little at a time every few minutes going deeper and deeper until it’s in. Work it like this for a while and see what kind of reaction she gets. If she’s into it you can move forward. If not, stay with your fingers and think of the long term goal, not just your quick anal fix.

Once you can get a full finger or two in her with little resistance, lay her gently on her stomach totally flat. You will need to tell her to relax and for her NOT to tense up. In fact, she needs to push out almost as if she is trying to poop. (NOTE: An enema beforehand is good planning and leaves a very clean working surface… Buy a brand called “Fleet”) Once she is relaxed and is gently pushing outwards, you need to work it just like you did with your finger…. A 1/4 inch at a time. You must be well lubed and have lots of patience for this because if you rush it and cause her pain, you just blew your chance of getting it again. Work it in 1/4 inch at a time until you are 1/2 way in her. Your first few times, DO NOT give her all of you. Do not pump away like an 18 year old boy losing his virginity and do not get angry with her if she is in pain and makes you stop. IT WILL be painful for her but if you do it may way, it will hurt a little less.

This is a process that takes time… But if done properly, you will be rewarded with a woman who loves it in the ass and can have explosive orgasms this way. This is the Cliff Notes version but I think you get the idea. Oh, I almost forgot… when she’s well broken in, be sure to drop me a line when she’s ready for her first Double Penetration.

Q: Dear Mr. Mayor, can you please tell me the best way to guarantee the best service in an Asian massage parlor?

A: No problem. Learn Korean. Most of the massage joints around are Korean ran and learning a few phrases will get you not only EXCELLENT service, but it may get you some freebies on the side after hours or on another day. I dated a (fine) Korean girl for a while and she schooled me a little on the language. A little goes a long way in these places so get your books out and start learning. It also doesn’t hurt to stimulate your mind from time to time. For the best results I recommend learning basic Korean and Japanese, as these are the two main languages spoken in AMP’s throughout the country. I have taken several AMP hotties out on the town after spitting a little game at them in their own tongue. Learn how to bargain, say “thank you”, “please”, “faster”, “slower”, “don’t stop” and learn how to compliment them… And don’t forget to smile. It’s not as hard as you think. The hardest part is finding an AMP that has anything worthwhile in it to spend money on. (AMP = Asian Massage Parlor) If all else fails, buy a ticket to Thailand and be a king in Bangkok or Pattaya where pretty much anything goes.

Q: Mayor… Have you ever tried Viagra? If so, what exactly did it do for you? I am a young man and do not really need it to “get it up” but I heard that it increases your staying power.

A: Yes. I played with it a few times but the side affects of splitting headaches were not worth the lead pipe hard-on I had. Not everyone gets headaches but I’m a lucky one who does so this is not a drug I like to play with anymore. I will say that it WILL make you hard as a rock and WILL prolong your orgasm. Buy 100mg’s and split them in two… It’s cheaper that way. Not to mention that you do not need any more that 50mg. And as always… Consult a doctor before taking something like this. It’s not healthy for everyone. Oh, you also may want to skip eating for about 2 hours before you take it and avoid foods in high fat the day of. Apparently fatty foods can block the drug.

Q: Dear Mayor, I have a huge cock and many people tell me I should do porn. Who do I contact and how do I break in?

A: Assuming that you ARE hung, somewhat attractive and can perform under severe pressure, you need to find the HOTTEST girl, and I do mean a 10, and SHE needs to contact a modeling agent in LA. SHE needs to tell them that at the time being that she is only working with her boyfriend (you). If they use her, and they probably will, you will have to pay your own way and travel to them. If you can perform on set at 7am with strangers and lights all around you. You may get a foot in the door if this is a repeated stellar performance. Maybe. And don’t expect to make much at all. A couple hundred bucks for you and around $800 for her. Why do you think there are only a few guys in the biz? It’s hard work. Also be prepared to get an HIV test every 28 days.

Q: I’m a mess. My girlfriend keeps cheating on me and I don’t know what to do. Since you have experience as a swinger, do you think that if I agree to swing with her that she will stop cheating on me?

A: Dear unfortunate bastard… DROP HER CHEATIN’ ASS! You can’t turn a Ho into a housewife so don’t even try. She will always be a cheating whore and you will never trust her. Once the trust is gone, it’s all over. FYI, I am no longer in the swinging lifestyle and I do not advise it to “fix” a failing relationship. You must have extreme and total trust to be a “swinger”. We have all been there, now it’s your turn. It’s over man. Cut her the fuck loose.

Q: Mr. Mayor, who do you recommend for the best escort experience in Cincinnati? Your help would be greatly appreciated.

A: MY personal experience may not be an experience that you are searching for or even want to pay for. And vise versa. Maybe you want to “make love” to a woman and maybe I want to swing from the chandelier in a bumble bee suit while pissing on a poodle. Or maybe you like Greek… I don’t like Greek. So you see, if I tell you who I think is the bomb, you may come back to me and tell me I’m full of shit. I know who I like, but I can not tell you who you like. As your local pornographer I would advise you to first find a lady you are physically attracted to and contact her VERY CAREFULLY to get a feel for her personality and attitude. If that fits, see her once to test the water… If it floats GREAT! If not, back to square one. Happy hunting.

Q: Where are the street girls at?

A: First let me tell you that your insane. But I don’t judge you. If the threat of STD’s, HIV / AIDS, getting your car impounded ON THE FIRST OFFENSE, jail or getting robbed doesn’t scare you off, keep reading… Anywhere on a side street off E. Liberty downtown and around E. McMillian up by Eden Park. Hit those areas and look for the seediest streets around or for the ones right in the open. Keep in mind that these woman fell from the top of the ugly tree and most are serious crack heads. If your still hell bent, be safe, wear a rubber cause some STD’s can be transmitted even through oral sex. A little FYI, don’t mention money or an act until she is IN YOUR CAR and you are well out of the area. Cops “usually” will not get in your car. But you never know…

Q: My girlfriends pussy never gets wet enough for me to fuck her. Do you ever have that problem and what do you know to do about it?

A: Three words for you… EAT HER PUSSY! One more… FOREPLAY!!! And don’t just lick it, I mean eat that mother fucker like it’s the last pussy on earth. There are tons of books out there on how to do a proper pussy eating. Variation is the key… For a while, then you have to buckle down, focus, read her body language and stay working until she cums. Women are not like us, they have to be built up and up and up until it’s over. If you stop mid way, they have to start all over again! Unlike us. Learn to hit her G-Spot with your finger while you lick her and suck on her clit. Once your in a zone and you have teased the holy hell out of her, focus on her clit (as long as she’s not the overly sensitive type), put both lips around it, and do a gentle sucking motion while licking it quickly back and forth (or up and down) at the same time. Try both, her body will let you know which she likes better. If done correctly, she will put her hands on your head to hold you still (hint) so stay put NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR JAW HURTS until she cums or moves you. I guess the bottom line is to PAY ATTENTION… Notice her breathing and body language. If you pay attention to her and communicate with her, you will have a soaking wet pussy that is good for hours of fucking.

Q: I’m having a bachelor party and need to know where to find girls. Can you help?

A: Good luck with that. These days it’s scam city when it comes to out-call services, but if you want girls for your party I would call Naughty Bodies. I can pretty much guarantee you that the girls will be late, but at least they are going to show up if you call this company. My tip to you would be to book them for 30 minutes BEFORE you really want them. Also, the later in the night you want them, the later they will arrive. This is mostly because every party before yours started late as well and by 3am, they are running up to 2 hours behind.

Truth be told, don’t hold onto the idea of your dream girl arriving. Often the girl you booked gets over booked or is running extremely late so sometimes a back-up dancer is called. It’s best to roll with it and have a good time. If you want to be a cry baby about it, you will just fuck up the party and run the risk of not getting any dancer at all, and trust me when I tell you that when you get pissed and call a second company, they will also show up late even though they promise they will be there in 30 minutes. Any girl just sitting in an office and is NOT working, is a 3rd string girl and trust me when I tell you that you probably don’t want to see her naked, let alone pay to see her naked.

Get a girl, have your party, have fun. If your first choice girl shows up, that’s even better, but it’s crap shoot that she will make it. That’s about all you can do when it comes to parties. You can have a great time with out-call girls but know that you MUST be flexible when doing so or you will have your parade rained on. Hey, you asked, so I’m being honest with you. But with all of that said, call Naughty Bodies and book them 30 minutes early. They actually do a pretty decent job with all the chaos they have to deal with on a weekend night.